I’m Pro Life and Pro Choice

There. I said the quiet part out loud because I understand the assignment.

Note: This is a personal and political opinion essay written by a left-leaning, middle age, Christian woman who has published in the Christian living space and served in vocational ministry almost my entire adult life (with a few years in local government preceding that). It may also be of interest to note that I am a dual citizen of the USA and Australia and have spent almost exactly half of my life in each, which has certainly impacted my worldview. Also, this is a very long piece—too long for those who aren’t invested in understanding alternative viewpoints or for those who just want your existing position affirmed. I’m giving you these facts up front because what I offer here isn’t a sound bite, nor is it the type of thing I expect to appeal to everyone. Nevertheless, it’s what I’d like to say in this particular moment. I wrote this on Monday, July 22, 2024 while lacing up my Chucks and have given myself a week to sit on it before publishing. I respectfully ask that should you choose to comment or share, please do so with decency and kindness. I will afford the same courtesy to you. 

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Celebrating Kamala.

Four years ago when the election was called I posted this photo of Kamala Harris on my instagram with the caption: “Madam Vice President Elect. Regardless of political affiliation, this is a deeply meaningful accomplishment for women. So proud.”

I promptly lost hundreds of followers and my inbox and comments filled with people saying they would return my book (which is about grieving with hope after miscarriage) while in the same breath telling me how much my book helped them. They couldn’t understand how I could post anything positive about a “Marxist” and “murderer.” (Harris is neither.) They also couldn’t understand how someone like me who is a professing Christian and has worked in the pregnancy loss/grief space could possibility support a pro choice candidate like her. (The irony is that while I did support her as a candidate—she was my first choice in the primaries with Warren a close second—my Instagram post wasn’t about a partisan pick at all. It simply focused on the monumental election of a woman to the second highest office in US politics, which I thought was worthy of celebration no matter what your politics are.)

Saying the quiet part out loud.

What I didn’t say in 2020 but want to clearly state now is this: I am pro life I am also pro choice. If you want to crucify me for where I land on this, that’s your choice but I would at least ask you consider why someone like me might be pro choice before erecting your posts to nail me to.

I’ll start with this—I am a Christian woman who believes life is precious and I have receipts:

I’ve written hundreds of articles and posts to support women and families after miscarriage and other forms of pregnancy loss. I have published and promoted an entire book on the subject. I’ve done dozens of interviews—podcasts, radio, television, print. I’ve led a support forum, run a dozen support groups, wrote and directed an online Baby Loss Remembrance service so that families would have a Christian liturgy for their loss. 

I have also volunteered hundreds of hours to lead campaigns which have resourced rural clinics in six different developing nations with more than 20,000 clean birth kits donated to help reduce the occurrence of maternal mortality. I’ve worked to equip a remote health outpost with solar power, created a midwifery scholarship for women in developing nations, been active online as an advocate to raise awareness over all sorts of issues surrounding maternal health, and more. I am—and always have been—an advocate for women and for the unborn. My work clearly shows this and my track record speaks for itself.

Our terms are jumbled.

Where many are wrong is to assume the terms ‘pro choice’ and ‘pro abortion’ are interchangeable—they are not. Or to assume ‘pro choice’ and ‘pro life’ are incompatible—they are not.

As someone who has lost four babies at various stages of pregnancy, I know what it is to have my choice taken away. I know—painfully—what it feels like to not be in control of my body and to lose all sense of bodily autonomy. I know what it is to bleed out, I know what it is to have two D&C procedures, and I know what it is to be admitted into the maternity ward and induced to deliver our dead 17 week old baby while surrounded by happy families and newborns. These losses mean I also know what it is to have the word “abortion” written on my medical charts on four separate occasions as well as every time a care provider takes my medical history for the rest of my life. This has been one of the things which has led me to examine how spontaneous and elective abortions are more closely intertwined than I had previously thought.

For life and for choice.

Experiencing miscarriages has galvanized my ‘for life and for freedom of choice’ ethic. It’s in part because of my own terrible experiences with babies dying in vitro that I will never believe it’s in a woman’s best interest for her to not get the medical care she needs and wants when she needs and wants it (just as she also needs and wants emotional and spiritual care). I will also never believe she should be devoid of her right to have a say in how her care is administered, which is—quite simply—government overreach. 

As I’ve worked in the pregnancy loss space over the last twelve years, I’ve come to believe most people don’t understand how abortion care and pregnancy care are so closely linked, especially when you consider how many pregnancies don’t make it to term. Obviously there needs to be some sort of legislative guardrails in place, but even the most progressive people are amenable to reasonable guidelines that protect the safety of women and babies and families, while recognizing each woman must retain her ability to follow her own moral or religious convictions in regards to when life and personhood begins. This is at the heart of freedom of choice (not to mention freedom of religion as well). I also believe individual health care professionals should have the ability to opt out of performing procedures that go against their personal religious beliefs or their personal moral compass.

Reproductive care and loss are complicated.

Many years ago it was easy for me to be black and white in how I drew lines around abortion. I would have sat squarely in the no abortion, no exceptions camp. Now, my life experiences and understanding have softened the binaries I once held fast to.

I have held space for devastated friends who’ve had to medically terminate due to ectopic pregnancy. I’ve listened as women have described excruciating scenarios where they’ve had to medically terminate their much-wanted and loved baby due to a fatal diagnosis or another severe complication. I know women who have had abortions for all sorts of reasons and deeply regret it. I know others who have had abortions for all sorts of reasons and will always be grateful they did. I’ve held young women in my arms while they sobbed after having an abortion they believed was their best-worst choice and yet it was still difficult and painful. I’ve seen staunchly religious parents change their minds when it was their teen daughter pregnant and afraid, or their teen son who was responsible.

I’ve also prayed for years and years for several couples dear to me who have endured excruciating IVF journeys and procedures in order to become parents. I prayed for others who have agonized over what to do with their frozen embryos that were no longer required and for those who’ve undergone selective reduction (abortion) to give their remaining embryo the best chance at life. There are others who have felt that until their frozen embryos were implanted and thriving there is nothing immoral about disposing of excess embryos just as would happen if an embryo failed to implant and a woman had her period. Other friends have become tied in anxious knots trying to work out the ethics of embryo adoption, surrogacy, and other avenues to building a family. Every single one of these scenarios (and more) have the potential to cause enormous grief and heartache. Not a single parent or hopeful parent makes these choices flippantly.

I have prayed for and supported couples who have tried to adopt and continued to get knocked back. I’ve had the holy privilege of listening to stories of women who have been raped and abused and have done my best to support them as they pursued the care they needed to heal, pregnancy or not. I’ve seen families fall apart when a woman couldn’t get pregnant. I’ve seen families fall apart when a woman did get pregnant. In my work in the developing world maternal health sector I’ve seen women hand over malnourished babies to relatives to care for or breastfeed while they begged for birth control, even if just to give them a buffer in between pregnancies to let their bodies recover from birth trauma or so they could spread the available food around to all of their children.

 

The dignity of women and reproductive freedom cannot be untangled.

The issues surrounding pregnancy and fertility and women’s health care are absolutely fraught with a litany of nuances. They are underpinned by life-shaping dreams—fulfilled, unfulfilled, thwarted, crushed, forfeited, or fought for—as well as the most base human emotions, the most tender vulnerabilities, and the starkest physical needs. Reproductive issues are tightly bound up with, and woven through, the quest for human dignity in a world still in the infant stages of learning to see women as valued in their own right, not for who they are in light of a man. The stakes are exceedingly high. 

Freedom of choice around reproductive rights and women’s health care will never not be a part of the conversation around the dignity of women; after thousands of years of subjugation you cannot untangle the two. I wish more of my right-leaning friends would be willing to see this and concede that whether it’s legal or not there will never not be abortion so logically, isn’t the next best thing to actually work to make it safe and rare and get women the holistic support they desperately need—medical, emotional, and spiritual? In my view this is an emphatic yes.

I am not an advocate for abortion but I am not an advocate for eliminating the choice either. My deeply held Christian ethic means that I will always do my best to pursue choices that lead to life on a personal level and a systemic level, from womb to tomb and every stage in between. I’ve shaped my life around the core belief that life is sacred. I’m sure I don’t always get it right but I’ve worked hard for congruence between my beliefs and my practices. (This is why I also have a clear stance on the death penalty, gun legislation, health care accessibility, elder care, immigration, military spending, early childhood education, literacy, the alleviation of poverty through social safety nets, paid parental leave, affordable housing, and many other things.) 

We must examine our pro all-of-life ethic.

To be clear, I am not pro abortion, but I am pro choice. I am also pro life, but not in the way the pro life political movement has co-opted it as a political battle cry. To some extent, both major political parties have exploited women for their own agenda.

I believe Democrats have a lot to answer for in terms of their pro life ethic.

I reject the idea of a vocal minority that would insist a pro choice position needs to be a free for all with no checks and balances for babies who have reached the age of viability or that care shouldn’t be taken with important, life-altering reproductive choices. We can and must do better to empower women to make the best choices they possibly can. (It’s important to note that neither side of this debate gets to be the judge and jury of “best.” This is another reason I’m pro choice.) Democrats must admit that we cannot serve women or families well while employing smugness or without sympathy to a plurality of religious perspectives. We must work to make access to heath care compassionate, equitable, sustainable, and non-judgmental. Left-leaning religious leaders, in particular, need to be courageous in advocating for and serving the poor and the disenfranchised, just as Jesus did, without regard to what might keep us safe and comfortable in our religious institutions. We must not let the fear of fall out prevent us from holding fast to our religious convictions while also making room for those who believe differently than we do.

I believe Republicans have a lot to answer for in terms of their pro life ethic.

Specifically, I believe that the GOP co-opting the term ‘pro life’ to describe their actual position (which is, more accurately, anti-abortion) has conveniently left them off the hook in other critical areas where they are abysmally not pro life, and where they uphold policies that are incompatible with the flourishing of life, especially for those on the margins of society. (Or when they mock and block policies that would aid in the flourishing of all. Or sell their souls and loyalty to the gun lobby.) I’m tired of the overt incongruence on display and how it’s willfully ignored and even celebrated by both politicians and constituents. This type of cognitive dissonance must be called out and corrected at a grassroots level instead of dismissed, ignored, or elevated. Right-leaning religious leaders, in particular, must no longer allow themselves to be seduced and used by political operatives seeking power who don’t have their parishioners’ best interest at heart. The unholy marriage of Church and State is doing serious damage to both the Church and to the State, and we are fooling ourselves (but no one else) if we think the Jesus way is to hold our flag higher and lift our voice louder.

Neither party is above reproach and both are found wanting in aspects of their pro life ethic. And while we’re talking about abortion, it should be noted that the vast majority of both Democrats and Republicans do not support late term abortion. And no one with any shred of political power endorses live-birth abortion or infanticide. This is a blatant and outrageous lie and those who perpetuate this twisted falsehood must stop and call others out when they hear it being slung around as fact. Just because your favorite politician or “news” entertainment host or pundit said it doesn’t mean it’s true. (I’m looking at you and your friends, Tucker Carlson.) 

Most folks want a bi-partisan approach to reproductive rights.

My hope is that abortion would be legal, safe, accessible, rare, and within the framework of comprehensive reproductive care that serves women (and their families when applicable). Whether we like it or not, history shows us this is the most effective way to actually reduce abortion. The majority of folks on both sides of the aisle agree that abortion shouldn’t be banned entirely or criminalized, and if politicians would quit making this a war cry and put down their daggers then we could actually get meaningful bipartisan legislation passed and constitutional guarantees that would serve women and protect the unborn, both.

We could then move on to much-needed discussions around the other vital issues in reproductive care such as reducing maternal mortality among minority women, access to birth control, IVF, caring for women experiencing miscarriage and other types of pregnancy loss, affordable housing, pay equity for women, living wages, tax reform that is not designed to benefit corporations and the ultra wealthy, immigration reform, and paid parental leave. Freedom of choice intersects with all of these social issues and more.

May we never let a political party or ideology co-opt our ability to soberly consider candidates, weigh issues, examine platforms, or scrutinize policies thoughtfully and critically. I have been a registered Democrat for most of my adult life but it is a mistake to assume that means I will align with every decision or policy the party endorses or a candidate advocates for. I know many of my Republican friends and loved ones would feel the same. We vote our conscience and convictions. My personal grid is that I vote for the path I believe upholds more avenues for flourishing life. I sincerely hope that will be your grid too, even if we come to different conclusions.

Keep “God’s choice” out of our political discourse.

Related: As long as I’m making public comments about partisan politics, I do have one last bone to pick. Maybe two. You will never hear me saying a candidate or a party is “God’s choice” for I reject the sort of theology that takes our choice and calls it God’s. These decisions are up to us and it’s misguided to say otherwise. God doesn’t twist our arm nor does God demand some sort of partisanship. Pray and be led by the Lord for how you vote, sure, but keep your “God’s choice” opinions to yourself. At a minimum they are damaging your credibility no matter which side of the aisle you’re on.

I also reject the idolatry that turns political operators into messianic figures. Their role is to serve, not to save. They are elected to work on our behalf, not the other way around. The language we use to describe them, their agendas, and their beliefs matter. Stop using apocalyptic or prophetic or other religious language to promote them. Remember where your hope is; it’s never been (and never will be) a political party or figurehead.

The way of Jesus was to give his life to a constant demonstration of what it looks like to love God and love our neighbor. He did this through humility, self-giving love, sacrifice, speaking truth to power, quiet (non-showy) kindness, generosity, and compassionately caring for those on the margins of society. This, too, is a political act though not a partisan one. For those of us who profess to follow the Jesus Way, may our actions, decisions, and votes reflect our own best efforts to do likewise. God-honoring people can do this from either side of the aisle and can choose to cast a vote for their own ‘best’ candidate or party without calling it God’s. Anything more is taking the Lord’s name in vain.

Religious conviction in a pluralistic society.

As I start to wrap this up—bravo if you’ve made it this far—I’d like to also say that I have all the time in the world for people who hold the conviction that abortion is wrong, especially those who give their time and talent and resources to serve the women and families in crisis that need help during pregnancy. (But I do expect them to continue the support after the baby is born.) I am also sympathetic to those who believe that allowing abortion through legislation is a form of approval or endorsement. When your deeply held belief or religious conviction is that life begins at conception then it’s natural for these beliefs to follow. I support those who hold these convictions. But in a pluralistic society I can also appreciate that people draw lines in many difference places—fertilization, implantation, heartbeat, viability, and so forth. I cannot fathom how there could ever be consensus on when the ‘potential for life’ ends and personhood begins. 

There are a million things that have to go right before a baby can be born. When do you draw the line? Was the baby I lost at 11 weeks different to the one I lost at 17? Was the miscarriage I had at 8 weeks different to the miscarriage I had at 12 because I knew the sex of one but not the other? Were any of those babies different to the miscarriage I think I likely had at six weeks but will never know because I hadn’t yet taken a pregnancy test? They all mattered to me. They all hurt. They were all not nothing. 

Where you draw your lines are not always logical or scientific, political or even theological, but they are always personal. We get upset because it matters.

People change. Believe the best.

I’m not writing today because I’m trying to persuade anyone to think like me or vote for Harris or change political parties or even to dispute the ridiculous “murderer” label, though I assure you I’m no murderer, nor is any other person advocating for the freedom of choice. (Just STOP with the immature and insulting name calling.) I’m simply writing to explain why I feel the way I do and say clearly and publicly that I’m willing to bear the consequences that may come with speaking plainly. I have drafted and deleted multiple attempts at sharing this for over a decade and publishing now is my small way to practice courage and believe the best of my readers. I’m tired of others making assumptions about me (and women like me) and I know this won’t change that, but for the few willing to read and consider an alternative viewpoint to your own, I hope it will at least generate empathy for those who arrive at a difference place than you do.

When people show you who they are, believe them. But also remember that people change. If nothing else, remember that healthy, sustainable change comes through education, understanding, and growth. It doesn’t come through accusation, mockery, condescension, or shame. Try to believe the best in those with whom you disagree. Be willing to admit you may not be the expert on someone else’s life or decisions. And when there is a void of information or context, extend the benefit of the doubt.

Doing the best we can with what we’ve got.

So yes, I’m a ‘pro life and choice’ woman and comfortable with where I’ve landed. I’m willing to be wrong about this—all of it. But I do not take my decisions or beliefs lightly. Nor do I make them devoid of prayer and scripture or with a lack of reverence for God (as some have accused me). I believe what I do because of my faith, not in spite of it. If you think I’m lying or both sides-ing or whatever then that’s on you. I will never be conservative enough for some; I will never be liberal enough for others. You’re free to believe differently than me. You’re even free to judge me if you must. You’re also free to be kind to those who don’t share your opinions, beliefs, or theological convictions.

This isn’t really about Kamala Harris, though I support her and absolutely want her to take the top job in the White House next year—I understand the assignment.

This is about keeping reproductive care and women’s issues in the hands of women, families, and their doctors, and out of alleys, jails, and court rooms. 

This is about women and babies and the families who love them.

This is about human dignity and agency and freedom and flourishing. 

This is about doing the best we can with what we’ve got.

And fundamentally, this is about what I am for, not what I’m against.

—Adriel

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Post script:

I did write a pretty great book that has helped tens of thousands of women and families grieve with hope after miscarriage and loss. I wrote Grace Like Scarlett between my third and forth miscarriages. It’s creative non-fiction—a mix of memoir, theological reflection, and grief support—and I’m still immensely proud of this resource, which includes sections in the appendix for dads, friends of the bereaved, pregnancy after loss, helping your kids through grief, and more. If you need some extra support after a loss or know someone who does, you can get a copy at your local bookstore or of course at the big one. (These are affiliate links.) Aussies, please support local by ordering from Koorong. And if you’d like a way to support other women in their loss you can request your library to stock a copy or buy a few to donate to your local church library or a near-by pregnancy resource center. 

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I respectfully ask that should you choose to comment or share, please do so with decency and kindness. I will afford the same courtesy to you. (Anything that doesn’t pass the kindness vibe check will be deleted.)